OH for goodness sake, what is all the fuss about the Prime Minister having lunch with a pornographer?

 I mean, who hasn't?

 Well, I haven't and probably you haven't either, but that's neither here nor there.

 The point is, do any of these people gleefully pointing the finger at John Howard for dining with porn king Scott Phillips have any idea how hard it is to get a guest list together these days?

 Everyone is so time poor, and with so many functions to choose from, it is increasingly difficult to entice people to come to your particular party - particularly when you are also asking them to pay $2000 for the privilege.

 ``Right, Little-Underling-Person-In-Charge-of-Event-Seating, do we have enough people for the Prime Minister's table at this lunch?''

 ``Aah, not quite, sir, people seem to be, aah, baulking at the price tag.''

 ``What? That's ridiculous! Who wouldn't want to pay that to sit with the Prime Minister? The man's a born raconteur, and there's not an animal he can't make with a serviette, you know.''

 ``Aah yes, well, the thing is there is this one fellow, Scott Phillips, who has said he'd be willing to come along.''

 ``Splendid, splendid, and what does he do, this chap?''

 ``He's a, a, well, he's a filmmaker, sir.''

 ``Wonderful, the PM loves a good movie . . . he loves that Revenge of The Nerds, you know, seen it six times . . . so what sort of movies does this Phillips person make?''

 ``Oh, aah, well . . . romances, mostly.''

 ``Excellent . . . would I have heard of any?''

 ``Aaah, perhaps, are you familiar with Laura Does The Lodge?''

 ``No, but I'm sure the PM will be, he loves a political documentary.''

 Yes, I can well understand why Mr Phillips was allowed to attend the luncheon with his date, Candace Diamond - who despite her name is apparently a lawyer and not a star of one of his movies.

 What I don't understand - and I don't know about you, but what I find truly astounding about this particular scandal - is not the fact that the Prime Minister had lunch with a pornographer, but that there are actually people out there who are willing to pay such enormous sums of money to dine with him.

 The Prime Minister, that is, not the pornographer.

 After the scandal broke, several news reports said Mr Howard was in huge demand for private Liberal Party functions, with some people willing to pay up to $10,000 to sit at his table - and not only that but, as one government official said: ``This payment does not guarantee access to the nation's leader.''

 Excuse me? I'm sorry, no offence to John Howard, but seriously, would you pay $10,000 to sit next to him?

 I wouldn't, I mean, if I was going to pay $10,000 to sit next to anyone, it would be have to be Colin Firth - and for that sort of money I'd be expecting a whole lot more than the fish or chicken, I can tell you.

 Yes, Access All Areas, one would hope.

Frances Whiting is a News Limited columnist